Identity Crisis

Ever since I was a teenager, I dreamed of being a writer.  Published.  Books in the store, on the library shelf.

Four years ago, my dreams came true, and I not only fell in love and got married, but I moved to a foreign country and didn’t have to work.  I could finally write full time.

Now, as we get ready to return to the US, I have almost nothing to show for it.

That weighs heavy on me.  Not simply because I had my dream and did nothing with it, but because I had the dream that so many other people have and did nothing with it.  I not only feel disappointed in myself, I feel ashamed.  I feel like I wasted this dream, a dream that others would have killed to have realized.

I wish I could say new dreams have replaced old ones, but that’s not the case.  In fact, I feel almost as if I have no dreams anymore.

I’ve been suffering a bit of an identity crisis lately.  I often feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, and I have these random moments where I stop and think, “Who am I?”  A lot of it has to do with being a mom now.  I was stuffing Baby J into his outerware the other day and really had this “This is me?!” moment.  It’s made more difficult because I don’t really feel like I’ve been “ME” in quite a while, so when I have these “Who am I?” moments, and I think back to who I was before, it’s a very distant memory.

I’m struggling to find myself again, and I hope that in doing so, I’ll find that spark of creativity I used to have, and the drive to do something with it.

More soon…



Categories: On Writing, Random | Tags: , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Identity Crisis

  1. indisputableincarnation

    nice writing.

  2. Mary

    Welcome to marriage and motherhood. Being a mom especially a new mom is tough sometimes. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I not going to say the kid thing gets any easier (you still have potty training coming), but I think after a while you will get into a groove and find yourself again. You won’t be the same but you will find out how the old you fits into this new role to make the new you. The twins are three and I still think I have a little ways to go, but I’m closer to knowing than I was last year. That gives me some peace.

    • Thanks, Mary. It’s something you don’t really think about beforehand, how you really do become a different person when you have kids, because you *have* to. A few months ago I was so excited that he could “occupy himself” while I did dishes and other housekeeping tasks, but he’s still not able to do it enough that I can zone out and actually *work*. One day he will, I know, and I look forward to that day with great anticipation. 🙂
      (And I still can’t believe I wanted twins. I can’t even imagine!)

  3. neham1995

    Hey…don’t give up on your dream….i’m sure you’ll find yourself again:)

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